ADHD and Relationships 101: I keep putting off important conversations

There is something you need to talk about. Maybe the question of moving, maybe money, maybe a sentence your partner said last month that still hurts. You don't know how many times you have brought it up in your head. You brought it up in the shower, on the road, you lined up the sentences one by one at night before going to sleep. But when you are in the same room as your partner, the only thing that comes out of your mouth is “What shall we have for dinner?”

Then you give yourself a date: the weekend. The weekend comes, you are both in a good mood, and you think “let me not spoil the mood by bringing it up now.” The conversation slips another week. Then another week.

This article is part of the ADHD and Relationships 101 series, and it answers one of the questions asked with the most embarrassment: why do I keep putting off important conversations? My short answer is this: this putting off usually comes not from not caring, but from running away from the feeling the conversation will bring. And ADHD feeds this avoidance from several places. There is a good side too: starting the conversation can be a much smaller task than the conversation itself.

What you're putting off isn't the conversation, it's the feeling

For a long time we thought procrastination was a time management problem. Researchers, however, look somewhere else. Sirois and Pychyl (2013) describe procrastination as the wish to repair your mood in the short term getting ahead of the long-term goal. When we put off a task, what we are really putting off is the discomfort that task would make us feel in that moment. And our future self pays the price.

An important conversation fits this description almost perfectly. The conversation itself might take twenty minutes. But inside it there is the possibility of hurt, of your partner getting upset, of being misunderstood, maybe of a fight. Putting it off makes all of these disappear at once. Every evening you don't bring up the conversation is, in the short term, a good evening.

The glossary has a name for this: avoidance. Procrastination delays the timing, while avoidance tries to keep the topic away from the mind. With important conversations the two are usually intertwined. If you are curious about the difference, you can look at the article procrastination or avoidance.

Where ADHD feeds this avoidance from

Everyone avoids things. In ADHD, though, several separate mechanisms kick in at the same time, and they all push in the same direction.

Emotion regulation. Difficulty regulating emotions is common in adults with ADHD. In a study with 159 adults in total, 59 of them with ADHD, this difficulty explained part of the link between ADHD and relationship satisfaction. More interestingly, exploratory analyses found that avoidance, that is, choosing to stay away from a hard feeling, mediated the link between ADHD and difficulty regulating emotions (Bodalski, Knouse and Kovalev, 2019). This is a single study; the participants were recruited online and all the measures rest on people's self-report. It can't be taken as a firm verdict. But it looks as if it measured something known from the inside: when you think you can't cope with a feeling, never going near that feeling becomes the easiest way.

Difficulty getting started. Planning, starting and keeping a task going is the work of the executive functions (Barkley, 2015). And in ADHD, starting is one of the parts that falters most. An important conversation, though, has no clear starting point. When will you bring it up, with which sentence, in which setting? As long as these questions stay unanswered, the conversation waits on the sidelines like every task that can't be started.

Now and not now. In ADHD, time often splits into two zones: now and not now. A conversation with no deadline always stays in the “not now” zone. I was someone who left homework to the last night but still handed it in. That last night was the only thing that got me moving. Conversations in a relationship don't have a night like that. Or they do, but it usually comes in the middle of a fight.

Fear of rejection. Many people with ADHD react very intensely to criticism and to the possibility of rejection. The fear that if you bring up the conversation your partner will get angry with you, find you inadequate or question the relationship can feel heavier than the conversation itself. I described this side in more detail in the article rejection sensitivity in relationships.

Fear of falling apart mid-conversation. There is also this: not being able to pull together what you want to say in an important conversation. With working memory under load, you can lose your own main point while answering one of your partner's sentences. Someone who has been through this once goes into the next conversation more reluctantly. If you know you flare up quickly in a conversation, that is a separate source of anxiety too; I described it in the series article I flare up quickly in arguments.

The longer it's put off, the bigger the conversation grows

A conversation that's put off doesn't stay where it is. It grows in your head.

In the first week it was a single sentence: “I want to talk about how we spend money.” By the third week it has turned into a case file. Old examples get added, possible objections, the answers you'll give to them, worst-case scenarios. The more you prepare, the heavier the conversation gets. And the heavier it gets, the harder it is to bring up.

Then there is the build-up. A small matter that wasn't talked about in time picks up the question “why are you saying this now” when it is finally brought up. Something that would have been a five-minute topic three weeks ago is now a conversation about both the thing itself and why you waited so long.

That's why waiting for “the right moment” usually backfires. By the time the right moment comes, the conversation is no longer small.

How it looks through your partner's eyes

On the inside, you are going through avoidance. From the outside, your partner sees silence.

Let's say your partner wants to talk about something, and every time you change the subject, say “let's talk later,” or go quiet once the conversation starts. Through their eyes this can look like one of three things: you don't care, you are hiding something, or you have one foot out of the relationship. None of these may be true. But your partner has no other data.

In couples research there is a well-known pattern that looks very much like this: demand and withdrawal. One side pushes to talk and to get something to change; the other side gets defensive or goes quiet and pulls back. Christensen and Heavey (1990), in their study with 31 married couples, found that both sides behaved more demandingly when talking about a change they themselves wanted, and more withdrawn when talking about a change their partner wanted. This study isn't about ADHD. But it shows one thing well: the roles of the one who wants to talk and the one who runs from talking aren't fixed characters; they change depending on whose issue it is.

In a relationship the cycle works like this: the more you run, the more your partner pushes; the more they push, the more threatening the conversation becomes for you, and the more you run. After a while your partner may stop even bringing up the topic. That isn't peace, it's exhaustion.

In a study with university students, too, those with higher ADHD symptoms had lower relationship quality; this link was partly explained by difficulty regulating emotions and hostile conflict (Bruner, Kuryluk and Whitton, 2015). Conversations that get put off are very prone to building up and one day exploding as exactly this kind of hostile fight.

What you can do

The goal isn't to have the conversation as a braver person. The goal is to make starting and keeping the conversation going stop being so costly. If I were you, I would start with four things.

Shrink the conversation

Close the case file in your head. You don't have to have the whole conversation in one go. Reduce it to its first step: just naming the topic.

“I want to talk about something to do with money. Not today, I just wanted to say it.” That's all. No solution, no examples, no history. The moment you say this sentence, the conversation has started, and keeping something going that has already started is much easier than starting something that never began.

One more rule: one topic per conversation. If you pile everything you've been saving up for three weeks onto the same evening, the conversation gets out of control.

Start in writing

Some people think more clearly when they write. This is very common among people with ADHD, because writing takes the load of working memory onto paper. I'm someone who keeps a journal too, and I know that I often find out what I think while I'm writing.

There are two ways to start in writing. The first is writing to yourself: three lines before the conversation. What do I want, what do I feel, what do I expect from my partner. You go into the conversation with these three lines, with the note in your hand if needed.

The second is writing to your partner. A short message or a note: “There's something that's been on my mind for a while, and I want to talk about it face to face. The topic is the holiday budget. I'm telling you now in case you'd like to think about it beforehand.” Here the job of the writing isn't to replace the conversation, but to open the door. A long written argument usually goes worse than a face-to-face conversation, because the tone gets lost and everyone does their own reading. Keep the message short and have the real conversation face to face. If you already struggle with messages, the short-reply rule from the article I reply to messages late will help you here too.

Set a time

The way out of the “not now” zone is to give the conversation a time. Set two separate times: when you'll start and how long it will last.

For the start, not a vague “weekend” but a day and a time: “Thursday evening after dinner, around nine.” And for the length, an upper limit: twenty or thirty minutes. If the topic isn't finished when the time is up, you stop and set the next time.

A time limit can look cold at first glance. But for someone who avoids, it is a big relief. Knowing that the conversation won't go on forever and won't turn into a night of fighting makes starting easier. Setting a timer on the phone also brings an outside frame to the task; remembering the limit stops being the job of one of the two of you.

Make room for yourself within the conversation

Once the conversation has started, two things make it easier for you. The first is notes: write what comes to mind but you can't say at that moment on your phone or on paper, and say it when your turn comes without cutting in. The second is a break: when your emotions rise, saying “I need to take a ten-minute break here, let's carry on at half past nine.” As long as the return time is said, a break doesn't count as running away.

The table below is a starting point for what might help depending on how heavy the conversation is. You can change it to suit your own relationship.

Type of conversation	How you start	Length
A small but recurring annoyance (the dishes, a message replied to late)	Same day, one sentence face to face	5-10 minutes
A shared decision (holiday, moving, a big purchase)	Announce the topic with a short message, set a time	20-30 minutes, two sessions if needed
Hurt feelings (something that was said, neglect that was felt)	First write yourself three lines, then bring it up face to face	20 minutes, with the right to a break
A topic about the future of the relationship	Give notice in advance, both of you think it over	Several sessions, a few days apart

An example of a conversation agreement

Talking about the conversations themselves on a calm day helps. An agreement written once saves you from getting into the “when are we going to talk” bargaining every time. Let's say the two of you agreed on a text like this:

When one of us wants to bring up an important topic, they will first say the topic in one sentence. If the other can't talk that day, they will propose a time within 48 hours. Conversations will last at most 30 minutes; if it isn't finished, we'll set a new time. We both have the right to a break, but whoever asks for the break will say the time they'll come back. One topic will be raised per conversation.

To my mind, the heart of this text is the part “will propose a time within 48 hours.” It gives the avoiding side the right to put things off, but not without limit. And it tells the waiting side that their wait has an end. The numbers are yours; if 48 hours feels like too much, make it 24; if 30 minutes feels too little, make it longer. What matters is that the limit was set in advance and together.

How to tell your partner

Talking about putting off conversations is itself a conversation that can be put off. It's a little funny, but true. So keep this one small too.

These sentences could be a start:

• “I really find it hard to bring up some topics. I'm not running away from you, I'm running away from the feeling the conversation will bring.”
• “When I go quiet, it isn't that I don't care. Most of the time I can't pull together what I want to say.”
• “If you tell me the topic in advance, or if we set a time, I can talk much better.”
• “If I fall apart in the middle of a conversation, would you let me take notes or take a ten-minute break? I'll come back, and I'll tell you when.”

While saying these, take care that they don't sound like excuses. Explaining ADHD doesn't erase the effect the behavior leaves on your partner. The wait they go through is real. Saying “I know this left you alone” can change more than explaining the mechanism. I gathered how you can explain ADHD in general separately in the article telling your partner about your ADHD.

What your partner can do

You are the reader of this article, but there are a few things that would make it easier for your partner too. If you like, you can show them this section.

Opening the topic not with a blaming sentence, but with a sentence that says what they want: instead of “You always run away,” “I want to talk about this, when is good for you?” Trying the conversation while walking or sitting side by side instead of sitting across from each other face to face; sitting across from each other can feel like being interrogated to some people. I'm someone who likes to think while walking, so this suggestion makes a lot of sense to me. Finally, writing down in a short note what you decided after the conversation. What was talked about being forgotten later is a separate problem; we cover it in the series article I forget the issue after a fight.

When to get help

If the conversations you've put off have piled up and every conversation has started turning into a fight, or neither of you can bring up anything anymore, a couples therapist can see this cycle from outside and help you break it (I described this in the article does couples therapy work for ADHD). If avoidance makes things hard for you not only in your relationship but in many areas of your life, it would also be good to talk about it with your doctor.

What stays with me

To my mind, the worst part of putting off important conversations isn't the putting off itself, but the conversation you have in your head while putting it off. You don't have the real conversation, but you rehearse it over and over, each time in a heavier version. So you pay the price of the conversation, yet you never get the relief the conversation would bring.

If I were you, I wouldn't wait for courage. Courage isn't a reliable fuel for an ADHD brain; sometimes it comes, most of the time it doesn't. Instead, I would shrink the conversation so much that courage wouldn't be needed. One sentence. A time. Twenty minutes. A piece of paper.

I also think this: running away from talking often comes from valuing the relationship very much. You don't want to shake something you're afraid of losing. But silence doesn't protect the relationship; it only leaves the conversation for a harder day. Once it is opened, the conversation is usually nowhere near the one in your head. And the only way to learn that is to try a few times.