How to Communicate With Someone Who Has ADHD

I am writing this article from the other side of the table. I am the one with ADHD; what I am going to tell you comes from knowing which sentences said to me work and which end a conversation in a second.

Let me say one thing at the start: none of what is written here means "put up with everything." I will come to the question of boundaries at the end, and I will be quite clear there.

Let me also admit this: while writing this article I struggled with the urge to defend myself. Because most of what I read on this subject describes the person with ADHD as something to be managed. I did not want to write a text like that.

Three things that help

1. Send in writing what you said aloud.

This is the single highest-return item on the list.

The study by Kofler and colleagues (2010) shows that working memory capacity is more limited in ADHD. Information given aloud may not be held for as long as it needs to be held. I hear something said to me, I understand it, I can even repeat it at that moment. Twenty minutes later it is not there.

Information in writing removes this problem completely. A message, a note, a calendar invitation.

Do not read this as treating someone like a child. Read it as turning the channel into the one that works.

2. One subject at a time.

"Take the trash out on your way, buy bread on the way back, and ask about the parcel too" is three separate jobs and one of them will probably get lost. The one that gets lost is usually the one in the middle.

Saying the three separately and in writing gets all three done. The difference is not the amount of effort; it is that the information is in a portable form.

3. Do not confuse forgetting with not caring.

This is the biggest misunderstanding in relationships and the one that hurts me most.

Forgetting something does not mean it is not important. Remembering and caring are different systems; one can falter while the other works perfectly well. I forget the things I care about most too, and the moment I notice I have forgotten, I say a far harsher sentence to myself than the person in front of me does.

The sentence "if you forgot, it means you don't care" does not produce defensiveness in the other side; it produces shame, and shame ends the conversation.

"I forgot" sounds like an excuse. Most of the time it is a description.

Things that backfire

Long, multi-part instructions. Everything after the third item gets lost. While talking I try to hold on to the first item, and that effort makes me miss the rest.

Sudden change of subject. Moving from one subject to another is a separate job in ADHD, and that transition has a cost. I described the details in the article on difficulty with transitions.

Interrupting while focused. If the person in front of you is in hyperfocus, being interrupted feels almost like a physical discomfort. If it is not urgent, waiting or saying "I'll ask you something in ten minutes" makes a big difference.

"Everyone is a bit like that." It is said with good intentions and it closes a door. When I hear this sentence I stop explaining, because continuing to explain feels like defending myself.

"If you would only try a bit harder." They are already trying. What is invisible is not the result but the effort itself.

Listing the past. Counting all the old forgettings in an argument turns a matter that could be solved right then into one that cannot be. The moment the list begins, the conversation turns into a defense.

Taking looking like not listening seriously. Eyes wandering, looking elsewhere, swinging a foot; these are often part of the effort to keep listening. I described that side in the article on seeming not to listen in a relationship.

The emotional side

The meta-analysis by Beheshti and colleagues (2020) shows that emotion regulation difficulties are markedly more common in adult ADHD. The review by Wehmeier and colleagues (2010) also summarizes the effect of difficulties in the social and emotional area on quality of life.

In practice this means: a criticism can be received much harder than the person saying it expects, and the reaction can last longer. In me the effect of a sentence sometimes stays for two days.

What helps:

• Choose the timing. Not opening a difficult conversation when someone is tired or has just walked through the door.
• Talk about the behavior, not the person. There are mountains of difference between "we missed the bill today" and "you're always like this." The first describes something that can be solved.
• Take a break when emotion rises. Continuing the conversation when the reaction has grown does not work. The same conversation goes a completely different way an hour later, and this does not count as running away from talking.
• Leave room for after the reaction. The regret that follows a harsh reaction usually comes very quickly. Asking "has it passed?" in that gap keeps the door open.

The boundary part

The article would not be honest if I skipped this section.

Showing understanding does not mean taking on the whole load of the home. ADHD offers an explanation; it does not remove responsibility. I am writing this as the person with ADHD and I stand behind it.

The healthy distinction is this:

• The method can be flexed. How they will remember, which channel you will communicate through, in what order they will do the job.
• The responsibility is not flexed. Whether the job gets done.

That is, "I will remind you every time" is not sustainable. "Build a system that will remind you of this" is sustainable. The first, after a while, tires both sides.

Being the one who always reminds turns the relationship into a parent-child relationship, and that is bad for both. In the glossary it appears as relationship asymmetry. I covered how this dynamic is built in the article on ADHD in marriage and the parent-child dynamic.

If they are a colleague

Most of this article was written for close relationships, but the same principles apply in the workplace, and are easier to apply there, because there is already a culture of writing.

Three things that make the most difference for the person you work with:

• Write up the output of the meeting. Sending what was discussed in three items by message makes clear who has taken on what, and this helps everyone.
• Do not leave verbal jobs on their own. A job mentioned in the corridor is an unrecorded job. Instead of counting this as a flaw, think of it as the weakness of the channel.
• Give the deadline as a point, not as a range. "Sometime this week" is a vague expression; "Thursday 5.00 pm" is an anchor.

If they have only just been diagnosed

If the person close to you has only just received the diagnosis, for a while everything will be attributed to ADHD. This is a temporary period and confusing for both sides.

The only thing that helps in that period is separating together what is what. Asking "is this ADHD, or is it a subject the two of us disagree on?" stops the diagnosis from becoming a shield.

How the diagnosis is explained and what the other side should expect is a separate subject; the article on telling your partner about your ADHD is devoted to it.

One last thing

The sentence that did me the most good was not an understanding one. It was a practical one: "I'm writing it down, in case you forget."

There is no blame in that sentence, no pity, no lecture. There is only the acceptance of a situation and an action that fits it.

I think this is what I look for in communication: not my condition being understood, but being treated according to my condition.