A Relationship Where Both Partners Have ADHD: What Happens

When I ask what happens when two people with ADHD get together, I find two extreme answers on the internet.

The first is romantic: "Finally, someone who understands me." No one lectures you for being late, no one raises an eyebrow when you jump from topic to topic, and when you get excited about a new idea at midnight, they get excited with you.

The second is gloomy: "Two chaoses together make a bigger chaos." No one pays the bill, and both of you are looking for the keys at the same time.

What the research says lies somewhere between these two extremes. In this article I will try to open up that space in between a little.

Similar people find each other

In psychology this is called assortative mating: the tendency of people to end up with partners who resemble them in many traits. Education level, values, interests. And, it seems, psychiatric traits too.

A large study using Sweden's national registers looked at the relationship between partners' diagnoses across eleven psychiatric diagnoses. Matching within the same diagnosis was seen in every diagnosis and was generally stronger than matching across different diagnoses. ADHD, autism and schizophrenia were among the diagnoses where this resemblance was highest (Nordsletten et al., 2016).

A smaller study that looked at symptoms rather than diagnostic records paints a similar picture. People who were diagnosed with ADHD in childhood and whose symptoms continued into adulthood reported significantly more ADHD symptoms in their partners than people whose partners did not have ADHD or whose symptoms had faded (Steele et al., 2022).

Why this happens is not certain. People with a similar tempo may find each other more attractive, they may be meeting in the same settings, or they may experience less friction with each other. None of these explanations has been proven.

The answer to "Why do I always choose someone like myself?" may not be so strange. People who resemble each other find each other.

The strengths are real

Research hardly examines this part, so I am writing it from my own observations and from what I often hear from readers.

Shame decreases. If the person across from you also forgets things, everything you forget does not read like a character flaw. Saying "me too" hurts far less than saying "why again."

The tempo matches. Fast talking, sudden changes of plan, sinking into one subject for hours. For two people with ADHD these are not friction but can be a shared language.

Getting excited together. Entering an idea, a project, a journey with the same intensity. I would like to call this a shared hyperfocus, though it is not a scientific term.

The burden of explaining lightens. For someone who has had to explain themselves for years, being understood without explaining is a rest in itself.

The risky side: who holds up the scaffolding

In a relationship between a person with ADHD and a person without ADHD there is a common dynamic: over time, the partner without ADHD turns into the one who reminds, plans and follows up. I covered the cost of this to the relationship in the article ADHD and relationships.

In a relationship between two people with ADHD this dynamic takes another form. The risk of becoming a parent to your partner may fall, because no one has to be the other's keeper of order. But this time there may be no one to keep the order either. The due date of the bills, the rent increase, an appointment, a birthday. Each trusts the other, and both forget.

Right here the study by Steele and colleagues has a striking finding: when the partners of adults with persistent ADHD also showed high ADHD symptoms, financial problems and partner aggression were reported more often (Steele et al., 2022). This is a cross-sectional finding and it does not say that every relationship between two people with ADHD will be like this. But it suggests that when both sides carry the same difficulty, the risk may multiply in some areas.

In an older study of married adults, adults with ADHD rated their marital adjustment lower than the control group; their spouses did not differ from the control group's spouses in overall adjustment, but a larger share of them scored in the maladjusted range (Eakin et al., 2004). This study does not look separately at couples where both partners have ADHD, but it shows that the burden ADHD places on a relationship is not limited to one person's perception.

A review of the literature on ADHD and romantic relationships also stresses that research in this area is still scarce, and that there is a continuing lack of knowledge in particular about what strengthens the relationship (Wymbs et al., 2021). So there is no body of evidence that can say "do this, it will certainly work" for a relationship between two people with ADHD.

Not leaving remembering to anyone

In a relationship where neither side can trust their memory, the most sensible approach, I think, is this: do not leave the job of remembering to any one person.

Let everything that can be automatic be automatic

Rent, bills, subscriptions, insurance. As long as paying them depends on one person's memory, one day it will slip. In the glossary the entry on autopay describes this approach. I covered the general management of money in the article ADHD and money management.

A shared calendar, but with reminders

Setting up a shared calendar is easy. Remembering to look at the calendar is hard. Having every important entry in the calendar send a notification to both phones, a day before and an hour before, puts an external reminder in the place of two forgetful memories.

Fifteen minutes a week

Once a week, on a fixed day, a short fifteen-minute meeting: what is on this week, which payment is coming up, who takes what on? As short as a cup of coffee. For two people with ADHD, the meeting itself needs to be put in the calendar with a reminder, otherwise that gets forgotten too.

Dividing up the areas

"Whoever remembers, does it" is the riskiest arrangement for two people with ADHD. Let each area have an owner: one the bills, one the kitchen, one the car. Ownership removes the argument of "I thought you would do it."

The "if we both forget" list. Sit down together one evening and ask this question: if we both forget, what are the five things that will cost us the most? For these five, set up an automatic payment, a double notification or a fixed day of the week. Forgetting the rest may not be such a big disaster.

Profiles do not have to be the same

"Two people with ADHD" does not mean two identical people. One may be the inattentive type, quietly drifting away; the other active, impulsive, talkative. One may have been diagnosed years ago and built systems for themselves, while the other has just been diagnosed and may still be in a period of grief.

These differences can create a new asymmetry in the relationship. The partner who has built the better system can slide back into the position of the one who reminds. That is why, instead of hiding behind the assumption that "we both have ADHD, we understand each other," you need to talk openly about in which areas each of you struggles.

The emotions are for two

In a relationship between two people with ADHD, emotional intensity can also be doubled. When one rises, the other rises quickly too, and there is no one left to calm things down.

Here a break rule agreed in advance becomes even more important. I described how it can be set up in the article emotional intensity in relationships.

I also want to write one limit clearly: if arguments reach pushing, throwing things, threats or frightening the other person, this should not be seen as an ordinary reflection of ADHD. Safety comes first. In an emergency you can call 112 (the emergency line in Türkiye), and for social support ALO 183 (the social support line); getting support from a mental health professional is also necessary.

The question of children and heredity

When a couple with ADHD thinks about having children, this question inevitably comes up. The heritability of ADHD is reported in twin studies as roughly 74 percent (Faraone and Larsson, 2019). This shows that ADHD tends to cluster in families.

But heritability is not a percentage calculation for one person's child; it is a ratio describing how much of the variation in a population is explained by genetic differences. If you want to talk about the risk for your own family, this needs to be done with a specialist. I covered what heritability means in more detail in the article is ADHD hereditary.

What I think today

A relationship between two people with ADHD is neither a romantic salvation nor an inevitable chaos. On one side it can be a closeness in which no one is shamed and you speak the same language. On the other, a home where the things that need remembering stay in no one's mind.

I think the secret of these relationships is not to see understanding each other as an exemption from building systems. However well you understand each other, the rent still has to be paid on the fifth of the month.