The Sibling of a Child With ADHD: Fairness and Jealousy at Home

When there is a child with ADHD in a home, the other child living in that home is living inside ADHD too. But what is said and thought about that child is usually much less.

This article focuses on the difficulty experienced by the siblings of a child with ADHD and on how a parent can look after both sides.

Why the sibling relationship can be strained

The review by Mikami and Pfiffner reports that the relationships of children with ADHD with their siblings are on average more conflictual and that warmth can be lower. There are several clear reasons for this:

• The impulsivity and emotional reactions of the child with ADHD are also directed at the sibling: interrupting, touching belongings, spoiling the game, outbursts.
• Most of the parents' attention goes to the child who is more active or more challenging.
• The rules seem to be applied differently to the two children. While tolerance is shown to one child, more can be expected of the other "because they are older."
• The sibling grows up inside the stress of the home: outbursts, crisis hours, school meetings.

What the sibling may feel

None of these is abnormal:

• Jealousy. "They always get the attention."
• Anger. "They shout at me, but nothing happens to them."
• Guilt. "My sibling is ill, I shouldn't get angry with them."
• Shame. A sibling's behavior in front of their friends.
• Invisibility. "I don't cause trouble, so nobody pays attention to me."
• Excessive responsibility. "I have to keep an eye on them."

Each of these feelings is natural. The difficult part is that they often go unspoken. Because a child who thinks "the family already has enough trouble" falls silent.

Separate time for each sibling

What the sibling needs is often not constant attention but a set-aside time that belongs only to them. Even a short weekly meeting makes a difference:

• Phone-free, uninterrupted time. Even fifteen or twenty minutes.
• An activity chosen by the child.
• A repeated ritual: a book before bed, a walk.

Regularity matters as much as length. The child should know that this time will come.

Explaining the diagnosis to the sibling

Children are more comfortable with what they know. It helps to give the sibling an explanation that is suited to their age, short and free of blame:

• "Your sibling's brain does some things differently: paying attention and waiting are harder for them."
• "It isn't their naughtiness. But it's normal for you to get angry too."
• "I won't let anyone hit you."

It is important to say, in the same sentence, both the difficulty of the child with ADHD and the sibling's rights. For explaining the diagnosis to the child with ADHD, see the article on telling your child about their ADHD.

Being fair versus being equal

The question "Why do you let them and not me?" is heard a lot in these homes. The answer is to know that this question is often about being "fair" rather than being "equal":

• Keep the rules visible for everyone: house rules, screen time, chores.
• Where different support is needed, explain why: "I'm setting a timer for your sibling because starting is hard for them. We can set one for you too when you need it."
• Let the sibling have their own rights: their room, their things, their quiet hours.
• See the sibling's own achievements and difficulties too.

Do not make the sibling a caretaker

It is tempting but risky to tell an older sibling "look after your sibling." A sibling has to live their childhood, and supervision is an adult's job. Constant responsibility both overwhelms the sibling and distorts the relationship between the two siblings into an "adult-child" one.

Small, age-appropriate helps are not a problem. But there should not be a burden of constant supervision.

When conflicts arise

• Before taking sides, listen to what happened from both sides.
• Notice the conflict hours: tired, hungry and the morning rush are the riskiest moments.
• Agree in advance on "if this rule is broken, this happens."
• Prevent one side from always being the "guilty" one. The child with ADHD is not the culprit every time either.

Parent training programs (see parent training programs) teach many of these skills systematically.

A note for the parent

This article too can be read as one more load on the parent. The goal is not perfect fairness; it is for the sibling to know that they too are seen, heard and valued. Perfection is not needed, repair is enough. Saying "I heard you" after each conflict is often a sufficient repair.

If tension within the family is high, consulting a family therapist or a child psychiatrist is a sensible step.